hospital roulette

Hey all!! So this weekend is my little sister's college orientation. she's starting at the same tiny university i am going to but definitely NOT majoring in nursing. somehow she got the creative gene in the family. she's double majoring in fashion and environmental design. weird i know, but she's got some skill when it comes to things like that. anyway since she's here my mother came with her... lets just say i'm happy to be at work right now. it really hasnt been that terrible, she just makes me uncomfortable. i'm sad to say that i dont know how to act around my own mother. she doesnt know me. and if i'm honest, i dont know her. those two things make for awkward and uncomfortable conversation.

ok now for some fun stories. the last week and half at work has been interesting.
two clients stick out in my memory.
1. an elderly man who was sure the hospital staff and i were terrorists and that he was being kept captive. we kept reassuring him he was in the hospital and that he was safe. soon he started telling us what we wanted to hear but it was plain he didnt believe any of it. my night shift was nearly finished when he started getting out of bed. this dude was in no shape to be getting out of bed. his condition made him prone to just collapsing while walking. it is my job to keep patients like him in bed. while talking to him and trying to get him to understand this he began to warn me that if i dont let him go someone was going to get hurt. i called some techs in to help me talk him down. this happened about three times. the last time the man stood up and before i can do anything took a swing at my head. i backed out of his reach but then he began to loose balance. i caught him before he hit the floor and carried him to the bed. now he is pissed and hollering that i attacked him. the staff of course comes running. as soon as one of the nurses came the patient tries to hit her too. long story short, security finally got there and held him while the nurse gave him something to calm him down. i agreed to stay with him until he was safe. a few hours later he woke up again, looked at me, smiled, and introduced himself. he didnt remember any of the previous night. i could not believe it.
2. wicked, and i mean wicked old lady laying in bed, seemingly sweet, asked for her purse. i found it and handed it over to her. she started rifling through it, pulled out a mirror, some gum, and a few other classic old lady purse occupants, put everything back, and handed it back. not really anything out of the ordinary. about half hour later i saw her hands moving moving under the sheet. i asked what she was doing and she got all weird about it. i asked to see her hands, pulled the sheets back, and found that she had a sizable pocket knife. she was trying to cut her iv and o2 tubing. she started screaming about how we were poisoning her. i explained that we werent poisoning her and that her medicine was going through the tubes. she acted like she was going to give me the knife but then turned and acted like she was going to cut me instead. that was my limit. i called the techs, who in turn, called security. The lady started screaming about how she had been waiting for the right time to strike the whole time. how she conned me into giving her her purse and how she knew she had a knife hidden(and she would have gotten away with it if it werent for those meddling kids.) luckily they gave her something to calm her down and she slept the rest of my shift.
can i just say..... i LOVE my job!!

i've been working at TON because i'm planning on going to idaho for the fourth of july weekend. my social worker roommate( you know what? shes not my roommate any more since she graduated... lets call her kjw from now on). her parents won some kind of vacation home for the week and invited kjw and her sister's college friends to come hang out. i'm excited. i love spending time with her family. but plane tickets cost a lot. its a good thing i like my job so much.

in order to pay for plane tickets i had to open a checking account. and i know what you're thinking... yes, i've gone all this time without a checking account. i know i'm weird, you can quit bringing it up now. :) did you know it takes almost two weeks(in business days) to set up an account. i figured that since it was all electronic it would be instant or at most a couple days. well i guess i was wrong.

LAST thing. does anyone else watch glee?! its my favorite show on tv right now. the season finale was last tuesday and it was really good. i cried like three times. they packed so much material into that small 43 minute slot. i cant wait for next season. i'm in love with lea micheles voice and dianna agron (who proved herself in the finale and i'm excited what the writers have in store for her) is just, wow. and i could on and on about the rest of that cast, but i'll spare you all. although if i'm honest, i know the show wont stay amazing for much longer after the second season, if it stays that long. i know its been picked up for a third season already but...well we'll see.

i love you all and hope everyone is staying safe. i know the weather has been a might bit unpredictable around here. but thats what you get with illinois summers.

may God bless
all for now
-erl






This is my pallet where i slept for awhile this summer. its in the basement where im keeping all my stuff this summer. i've been told it looks like i live in an iraqi prison.

summers begining

hey all! hope everybodys is going well. after celebrate life, my life was relatively uneventful for a few weeks. but the last week has been full of activities.

last tuesday GLEE was on! i dont have tv at my sisters house(which is where i'm staying over the summer) so i every tuesday i have to scavenge for a cable connection somewhere in town. i tried what we at my tiny university call the 'red room'(named because the walls are painted red. who would have thought?:)) but the student workers there said they didnt have the keys to the remotes to change the channel on the tvs. *begin rant* ok first, i'm sorry, you are the keeper of the building. hell, not just the building, the whole campus. if anyone needs anything and they call the main number of my tiny university, that number leads to these people. if someone is visiting and they are lost they are always directed to these people. these people are THE GATEKEEPERS how in the world do they not have the keys to a remote control. *end rant* so i make my way around campus and end up kinda breaking into parrott lobby. its not as bad as you think. it was my freshman dorm and i remembered a trick to get the door open.

thursday my day started at 6am. (keep in mind i fell asleep at 4am.) my (old) social worker roommate and i made our way to milwaukee to go see an astros/brewers baseball game. i'm not much of a sports watcher. i mean i can enjoy watching sports but its not something i do unless i'm with someone who is a sports watcher. my roomie is one heck of sports fan. baseball is her second favorite sport and the 'tros are her team (footballs the first and we share the packers as our team of choice) (however my baseball team is the cardinals) anyway back to the story... we get there we eat the classic stadium foods. we find our seats and realize they are going to be in the sun the WHOLE time. so we go buy some sunscreen at the gift shop(six bucks for i think 4 ounces) my roomie put some on but i'm awesome and of course refused any block. ps i dont burn, i tan. thats right be jealous. the game was the all right overall. the astros were winning the majority of the time but things went down hill and they ended losing. of course we are in wisconsin and the astros are from texas. my roommate is the only red jersey in the whole stadium. we got mocked a bit. but nothing to terrible.
on our way back how we took a scenic route thanks to gracie(the gps. the whole time i kept calling it the wrong name. i came up with some winners. but i finally got the name right and added my own twist. i settled on calling the navigational device gracie lou freebush. extra points if you can name that movie.) it was great, we sang songs. listened to papa dont preach as sung by dianna agron of GLEE like fifty times. took some random detour route that i'm pretty sure led us all the way round southern wisconsin. finally we made it through chicago and back to our small town. we stop for some photo opportunities along the way of course. also on the way back i discovered that i'm not as BA as i alway claim to be and that i do indeed burn. i have never burned in my entire life. ok so yeah sometimes my skin will get a little red and itchy after going to a waterpark. but i had never experienced what my fair skinned friends talked about when they would talk about burns. i couldnt move my arms. or my knees both were burned so bad. my pain level on a scale of 0-10 was like a constant five. to put in perspective, i took pain meds. i dont ever take pain meds. i dont even own pain meds. still today, five days later, i hurt. once we got home, we went to fridays and finished out our day with an awesome dinner. that was one of my top days.

on friday my sister, brotherinlaw, nephew, and i drove down to my parents house for my baby sister's high school graduation. my oldest sister, her husband and their daughter drove from out east as well. the ceremony was on saturday night. we all hung out and had a good time. i love my sisters and my baby sister and i are bffs. i love her very much. my parents were... well my parents. it was the first time i had been back to their house since christmas and i'll honestly be ok not going back till thanksgiving.
the thing about being the youngest of a fair few of siblings is parents tend to quit caring after awhile. this is good and bad. but for a thing like a graduation party its not good. i kinda feel like my baby sister got screwed. no one seemed to really be celebrating the fact she had accomplished something.(yeah i know she just graduated high school, but its still a big deal to the graduate right?) i remember my graduation party being more party like. her party just felt like a family gathering that featured a cake with her name on it. but whatever, if she was happy i'm happy. soon she'll be here with me at my tiny university and we wont have to worry (much) about my parents. i'm looking forward to that day.

today(i should proly say yesterday seeing its almost three in the morning) is/was memorial day. on top of remembering those who died for our rights and freedoms, i also want to remember those who have passed away in my life. my dad's mother and father passed away over christmas break. i love them very much. and miss them. i look forward to seeing them in their new bodies when Jesus comes back. also my friend kenny. we were new friends when he passed but my memories of him are full of joy. you are missed man.

last but not least on my list. as i mentioned before, i live with my sister and brotherinlaw. another couple lives with them. i'm very tight with this other couple. tighter than i am with my own blood. they are like my family. well they moved out this weekend. i'm sad to see them go but i know it's for the best. i was looking forward to getting their old room because i've been sleeping in the basement which i've been told looks like an iraqi prison so far this summer. well no such luck. even more people have moved into our tiny house upon my friends departure. so not only do i feel more crowded in my house, i'm now in danger of losing the couch i would sneak upstairs and sleep on in hopes of staving off the growth of mold in my lungs. why dont i move you ask? well i literally dont have anywhere else to go. but i may start sleeping in my car as a last resort. at least i still have a place to keep my stuff if that has to happen. cause believe me living entirely in your car SUCKS.

well i'm work right now and it 3 in the morning. i work till 5am. then i sleep, wake up around 2pm go back to work from 5pm-5am. i need the hours so im totally ok with it. however i'm going to miss GLEE tonight. that makes me sad. but the money is going to buy me a plane ticket to idaho for the fourth of july so that makes me happy again.

ok now really this is the last thing. i mentioned i'm at work. well i have an 'as needed' position at my hospital i work at. recently i have not been needed so i havent worked. me not being needed means that are less sick people which is generally a good thing. but me not being needed means me not getting money. sick people=money. how terrible is that? yet at the same time thats the profession i'm going into. i know this isnt some shocking revelation or anything. i just kinda felt bad being upset that i wasnt working but that really meant i was wishing people sick. ok i'm done being philosophical.

much love to everyone out there. my God bless you
all for now
erl

graduation weekend and them some

Wow, I cant believe its been three months since finals week started. So much has happened and yet so little has really changed. Isn’t that the way it always goes though? Things happen and change but you keep living life, adapt to new situations, sometimes without even realizing it.

Finals week was insane busy. But this finals week was different from all the others I’ve had. Because I took the semester nursing school I’m not graduation till December. This means I’m not a may grad. Duh right? Well that means all my friends were celebrating freedom and participating in senior week activities and wanted me to do so as well. However I still had the pressure of finals as well. See only may grads are excused from spring finals. There was no way I was going to pass up a chance to hang out with my friends for what possibly could be the last few times. On top of finals and the activities of senior week was packing and moving and getting ready for pinning. All that to say it was a time consuming stressful week. And thats without adding in the emotional stress I was feeling as well.

After finals were finally done, I had to sit through both the social work and nursing pinnings. For those of you who don’t know what pinning is, its like a small intimate graduation that only the schools of social work and nursing have. Its kinda a big deal. First was the social work pinning. My roommate of four years was being pinned that day. She was also chosen for the social worker of the year or some award like that. She’s amazing and totally deserved the award. There were tears through the whole ceremony, but that’s to be expected right?

The nursing pinning was both beautiful and painful. I watched some of my dearest friends finally accomplish what they’ve been killing themselves to achieve for the past four years. I have never been more proud. At the same time my heart was breaking. I was watching them walk across that I was supposed to be walking across. I know I made the right decision to take an extra semester but it still sucked. Also, as each person walked across that stage I felt them slip from my life. Ok, I know that’s quite dramatic and in reality not entirely true. Its not like any of them were dying or anything. But still, it sucked.

I sobbed through the whole thing. I mean from the time I sat down through the reception, I sobbed. If you don’t know me, I’m a crier. I would look at one of my friends graduating and tears would come fresh and plentiful. I would look at my profs, the same thing would happen. I tried not looking anywhere and that was even worse. I thought I couldn’t cry any harder, that was until a my closest nursing friend(we call her fajita) mentioned me personally in her thank you. see all the nursing graduates write a 6-8 line thank you. it usually thanks parents, husbands, roommate, profs, friends, God. Things like that. When I heard my name and a couple inside jokes mentioned with it, I lost all sense and of decorum and sobbed out loud. Cue the entire audience to look at me. Yeah, that was awkward.

After the ceremony this slightly elderly couple turns around and the woman says ‘honey, you are not a liar. That he beginning of this you said you would cry throughout whole thing. And you did.’ The husband says ‘young lady, I not much for crying. But you had me crying through this whole program.’ I apologized profusely. They both said they thought it was sweet. Next they tell me they are my professor’s parents. Not just any prof. the one prof who generally scares the crap out of me. Again, awkward.

The rest of the weekend was a blur. On Saturday my roommates and I finally moved everything out of the apartment, I sat through the undergrad and graduate ceremonies, and said hello and goodbye to both my parents and my friends’ families.
(oh yeah my brother-in-law was graduating from the masters program. So add that funness to the mix)
Remember the friend who thanked me personally? Fajita? She’s from North Carolina. She was on my floor freshman year, we became friends, and stayed friends all four years. While her parents were leaving, her dad pulls me aside and thanks me for being such a good friend. Talks about how having her half way across the country was so much easier when they knew she was loved and had people who cared for her. I was shocked. I had no idea that they really even knew who I was. I had only really met them twice before. So of course I broke down crying, again. By this time I’ve lost count of how many time of broken down. I’m sure I look like a crazy person to everyone else.

Not thirty minutes later, my social worker roommate’s family was saying goodbye. This roommate is my best friend. We’ve known each other for over ten years. Her family has meant a lot to me. Her parents always treated me way better than my own. Her whole family immediately accepted me without even a question. They showed me what unconditional love was and I am forever in their debt for that. Her parents always tell me they love me and that I mean a lot to them. My memories of those words are some of my greatest possessions. So I expected it when her parents both embraced me and told me they loved me. What I didn’t expect was her grandmother pulling beside and telling that she prayed for me and that she thought of my as her own granddaughter. That was my last straw. I thanked her, again and again, told her it meant a lot to me, sad a general goodbye to everyone, turned, and left. I went to my now, empty apartment, fell to the floor and, for lack of a better word, wailed till I was exhausted.

I couldn’t take all the emotion of the weekend. Everything was changing suddenly, all at once. We all know this is going to happen when we start college. It has to end sometime. But I was not prepared for it. Again, I know now that it wasn’t the end of the world, but plain and simple, it still sucked.

The next day, Sunday, I went to church with a new friend of mine. We met this semester in one of the gen-eds I was taking. And because I try to keep anonymity on here I’ll refer to her as kt from now on. kt is a social work major, amazing, and I’m so lucky I met her. Any way she was leaving for Thailand the next day. So we went to church, then my favorite Chinese place for lunch, and said our goodbyes. She just got back to the states safe and sound today. I’m looking forward to getting to know each other next semester.

Skip a few days till Thursday. I had the opportunity to spend some time with Fajita. She was staying in Illinois until her mission trip to Argentina. While chilln here she was working an event at my tiny university. Her job was to sit and keep on eye the dorms where people where staying. Most boring job ever. So, I kept her company like any good friend would do. Really nothing exciting. We just played internet games and watch tv on my computer. Come Sunday I watched her get on a bus and head toward Argentina. As of today (over a week later) we still haven’t heard anything from the team. I know they are ok though.

The rest of the day I hung out with my social worker (old)roommate. She’s sticking around until she starts grad school in Kentucky. It was proly one of the most relaxing afternoons I’ve ever had. While she watched the blackhawks game, I was on my computer and we chatted back and forth like it was any other Sunday. It was totally what I needed.

More on the last, most recent week is soon to come. Its almost 4:30 right now. And don’t worry I’ve learned my lesson, I’m going to try and update this thing more often so I don’t sound like a crazy person trying to remember everything.

rough day

Man today it all just piled up and it must have been the last straw because i just spent the last hour and a half in my bed crying.

today a dear friend of the family died. we dont know if he overdosed on drugs or if he just died in his sleep. he was only 30 but wasnt in the best health, however, he's also been a drug addict for over a decade. my family is devastated. my housemate flew back home to boston to help with all the arrangements and his wife is going to follow out this week. this family friend was my housemates best friend growing up and he even lived with us here in the midwest for a short while.

our usual grieving patterns have been somewhat...interupted. my family is in different parts of the country so we cant all get together, eat large amounts of horribly unhealthy food, and watch a bad movie. at least thats how we usually handle things like this.

our friend dying is bringing back thoughts of my grandparents, who both passed away over christmas break. that along with several other things that have been rattling around in my head the past couple weeks. 1. in about six weeks most of my friends will be graduating and moving away. the closer the second weekend of may gets the more excited everyone gets. i'm happy for the them, i really am. i'm so proud of all of them. but the closer the second weekend of may gets here the sooner i'm likely to never see some of them again. we all know this is going to happen when we start college but it doesnt make it any easier, especially for an emotional person like me. 2. i have less than friendly feelings for a dear friend that i have no right having feelings for. i love them so much and would do anything for them. but i'm pretty sure nothing will ever be able to come to fruition no matter how much love i have. its coming to terms with that truth that is the real issue because, i'm not sure i can. 3. my sister and brother-in-law(the ones i live with) are being their fantastic selves right now. oh by the way, that was my sarcastic voice. i thank them for everything they've done for me because they never had to do any of it. but still, i see patterns in their lives that have come to remind me of my parents and it makes me nervous. all i can do is wait and see. my opinion usually isnt very highly valued among my older sisters(so it seems to me) so i dont really know how to say anything without sound like the annoying little sister. or is it even my place to say anything? i dont know.

then, as always there are a hundred tiny things here and there. but i have some comfort, when things like this happen i always come out the other stronger. usually with at least a few cuts a bruises but stronger. it always works out in the end. two of my favorite quotes for situations like this:
' in the end things are always better. things arent better yet? then its not the end.' - i think some facebook bumper sticker quote i saw once
'things always work themselves out in the end.' 'how?' 'i dont know, its a mystery.' - dialogue from the movie Shakespeare in Love

a couple cool things today-i got to watch my nephew for a couple hours. he is amazing!
my la friend sent me and awesome pic of the beach.
a childhood friend of mine is having a baby shower today.(sorry i couldnt come hun. believe me i wish the wasnt all happening so i could be there instead.) her baby girl is healthy so far despite some early scares and i want to send a blessing to her and family. i love you girl, you're in my prayers.

i do this whole blog thing to get my feelings out because its hard for me to talk out loud most of the time. so i thank you journal for being here to listen to me.

my final words are a prayer. Father please wrap in your arms tonight. let me sleep soundly. may i wake tomorrow ready to face all that life has in store. may i make you proud. please give me the strength to be your disciple and your love for your people. thank you for all you have given me.

all for now
-erl

hello all! its spring break at my tiny university and i've spent it here. i know sounds boring but i had a choice to make: either go somewhere and spend money or stay here and make money.

i've done more than work though. my social worker roommate is staying because shes interning. we're hanging out and having an awesome time. on sunday, we went grocery shopping and have been making and eating meals together. we've been watching movies and tonight is GLEE! and i rented a video game i've been dying to play.

i've been getting some alone time too. today i went for a walk around campus on my way to dq and jimmy johns(i needed some day-old bread and i've been really craving ice cream). i love taking walks, listening to my ever present ipod, and just looking at the world around me. today the sun keeps trying to peak out from the clouds but just cant seem to get over its shyness. the campus will soon be alive with color, but right now i'm happy with green making its big solo come back. its really windy today but its not the usually bitter cold wind from the north. no, today it is a warm southern wind that is warm and soothing. just perfect for my walk.

right now i'm munching on my lunch. cheddar cheese, grapes, banana, and french bread. mmmm. so tasty. i'm watching sabrina the teenage witch. oh, childhood memories. i just saw a commercial for the dog whisperer. i dont know why but that show always reminds me of a dear friend who now lives in california.

i dont have anything funny or amusing to say today so i'm just going to end with this: right now my favorite show on tv is GLEE. and yes for some reason every time i write it, it has to be in caps. five more weeks and the spring season starts!! i cant even describe how much i love the show. after i saw the first episode i was in love with the characters and the music is just....epic. there are no words. and a bonus: i love the actors. generally they seem to be down to earth people and really admire their work both on and off the set. two in particular that i just cant get over are lea michele and dianna agron. off the set they are both devoted to making the world a better place, especially ms. agron. and ms. michele is without question one of the best musical artists ever. ok enough being the giant fangirl that i am.

hope all my university friends are enjoying their spring break. and hope everyone else is having a great day.

all for now
-erl

christmas survival

All right so counteract all my emo-ness from the previous post i wanted to share with all of you my story from Christmas break.

the day after the fight with my parents(check out the previous post) i left their house and made my way back up to my tiny university. however there was still two weeks left of break. and i realized i had no where to go. now yes, i could have stayed at my sisters house(she lives in the same town as my school), but she just had a kid. at this time we were still waiting for my nephew to come into the world and if any of you have tried preparing the house for a kid, you know that mom goes through this thing call nesting. my sister had the house in pieces getting the nursery ready(we have a really small house.) the only place i could sleep was the couch and that had been moved into the computer room. there was literally no place for me to be without being in the way. so i decided to move back into my apartment at school.

now my university closes the campus during Christmas breaks and the students are not allowed in the housing while campus is closed. so yes, i was breaking the rules. i'm going to apologize now to my RA and RD. i'm sorry.

well now that i'm moved back into what has become home and all comfy i realize i'm kinda hungry. but i wasnt planning on being on my own the last two weeks. i hadnt worked so i had no money and even though i had already arranged for some hours at my job i wasnt going to get paid until the week school started back up. i literally had NO money and i had NO food in the apartment. actually i take that back. i had a jar of jelly. mmmm jelly.

i ran over to my sister's house because i remembered she had a numerous amount of pizza rolls in her freezer. see, my sister is a research chemist for a food oil company. at her job she works with a lot of different food companies testing oils and other things i honestly dont understand. she often gets to bring some of her work home. we've had pie crusts, onion rings, oreos, all kinds of stuff. last months work: pizza rolls. so i snagged a few bags of pizza rolls and proceeded to eat 10 pizza rolls a day for the next two weeks. good thing i like pizza rolls.

the second to last night i was getting tired of my tasty pockets of fake italian. so i rummaged around what food my roommates had in the pantry. i found a bag of pretzels that was nothing more than crumbs. i mixed those crumbs with the jelly i had in the fridge and had the most wonderful dinner of all time.

after those two weeks the food service at school tasted soooooo good.

that all for tonight. sweet dreams everyone
-erl

So the past few days have been pretty great. i'm really loving life right now. i just want to say, i have some freak'n awesome friends. i love my roommates. they think i'm hilarious (for some reason) and laugh at my really lame jokes. my nursing friends always make me fell like i really am worth loving. further more, i caught up with two great friends yesterday and talking to them made my day, no my week, all bright and shiny! i've really needed this support the past few months. so thank you.

all emo-ness may seem like its coming from left field but let me take you back through the past few months.

last november i began thinking about taking a semester off of nursing school, therefore adding a semester onto my college experience. My grades were such that there was a possibility that i may not have been able to continue on through the program. it all depended on certain grades on certain tests in certain classes. every test would seemingly change my future. i was so tired of one week feeling on top of the world because i got a strong B; then the next feeling miserable because i got a C. i was so close to the edge that each grade would put me hundredths of a point above or below the required GPA. i was sick of the roller coaster so i made the decision to just take the next semester off regardless of grades.

i talked my decision over with my classmates and roommates and a couple of my profs. i recognized i was on my to a complete burn out. i was really getting jaded when it came to school. i was afraid of continuing with my last semester would result in me learning nothing about nursing and just becoming bitter instead.

Making this decision was hard, but once it was made a weight lifted off my shoulders.

The hardest part was yet to come thought... i had to talk to my parents. so, over thanksgiving to them and every thing seemed ok. we made a plan and all was good in the world.

i finish the semester and it turned out i passed all my classes AND my gpa was good enough to keep going. but i stuck with my decision to take an extra semester.

over Christmas break i began to relax from my INSANE semester. However, one night during dinner my mother quit eating, looked at at me, and started in. I'm going to cut it short and just say that she wanted me to not take the extra semester. other things that made me feel quite worthless by the time she was done were said as well. After my mother said her piece my father takes a breath, nods his head, and in a strong, confident, but quite voice says 'i agree'

To be honest my first reaction was anger. they just couldnt understand how hard i was working, how hard it was for me to make this decision in the first place. i was doing this for my health and they didnt seem to care. but i had made my decision and again, to be honest, i didnt need their approval, i needed their SUPPORT. (after i heard 'i agree', i looked at my parents and little sister, who happened to be watching the whole interchange, and said 'mom, dad i love you but i'm leaving tomorrow.' keep in mind there are still two weeks left in break. for the rest of that story check out the next post. i promise it's good one.)

Now not only do i have some feelings of inadequacy because i'm taking an extra semester, my parents are confirming that i am indeed a disappointment and failure.

Im gonna let you know something that most people dont know about me. i had some self loathing issues growing up. i always found it surprising that anyone could even want to love me. i've gotten as i've grown up because of God's love and help from others. but from time to time i find doubts begin to fill my head. at times i will begin to wonder if i'm vested in a relationships as much as i should be. do i think i'm really good friends with someone or am i actually really weird and they just put up with me to be nice? or do i think that i'm really awesome when, in fact, the people in my life cant stand me? now i know these things arent true and they dont plague me as much as they once did. my relationship with God has healed my mind and soul. i know Jesus loves me. and if i believe Jesus is the end all then thats all that should matter. thought the years, as my love for Jesus has grown so has my love for myself.

However, between the mental beating i take from my parents, both my grandparents passing away during break, and trying to convince myself i am indeed doing the right, all the growth and development wasnt doing much to help me out.

I didnt realize until a couple days ago that i was unhappy with myself. i'm usually a very happy and optimistic person. i mean i love life. but the last few months i've been walking through a haze. i havnt felt truly happy for the past few months. i took this semester off to take a break from nursing school and to have a chance to enjoy the other parts of my life. i've been trying new things that i thought would make my life better. now that i have all this time i can do whatever i want. i can be a better person. instead i've found my self going through the motions and not actually enjoying anything. i've been striving for something to make me happy and it hasnt worked because its of this world, not of my God. i've found my self in a dark place in my mind that i havnt been to in along time.

i've decided i'm not going to stay here. i cant, i wont stay here. i'm holding onto teh love of my Savior, my friends, my family, and myself. i'm going to continue to find joy in the small things life has to offer, like taking walks with my ipod and picking dandelions (now if i can just find some dandelions lol). The shiny things of this world will not win me over. i've lost track of what is really important the last few months but i'm back.

I thanks those of you who have helped me through this. even though none of you have any idea what you've done.

and most importantly i praise God for always knocking. for speaking to me even when i've quit listening. and i weep when i see those footprints and realise i've in his arms the whole time.

thats all for now
-erl