rough day

Man today it all just piled up and it must have been the last straw because i just spent the last hour and a half in my bed crying.

today a dear friend of the family died. we dont know if he overdosed on drugs or if he just died in his sleep. he was only 30 but wasnt in the best health, however, he's also been a drug addict for over a decade. my family is devastated. my housemate flew back home to boston to help with all the arrangements and his wife is going to follow out this week. this family friend was my housemates best friend growing up and he even lived with us here in the midwest for a short while.

our usual grieving patterns have been somewhat...interupted. my family is in different parts of the country so we cant all get together, eat large amounts of horribly unhealthy food, and watch a bad movie. at least thats how we usually handle things like this.

our friend dying is bringing back thoughts of my grandparents, who both passed away over christmas break. that along with several other things that have been rattling around in my head the past couple weeks. 1. in about six weeks most of my friends will be graduating and moving away. the closer the second weekend of may gets the more excited everyone gets. i'm happy for the them, i really am. i'm so proud of all of them. but the closer the second weekend of may gets here the sooner i'm likely to never see some of them again. we all know this is going to happen when we start college but it doesnt make it any easier, especially for an emotional person like me. 2. i have less than friendly feelings for a dear friend that i have no right having feelings for. i love them so much and would do anything for them. but i'm pretty sure nothing will ever be able to come to fruition no matter how much love i have. its coming to terms with that truth that is the real issue because, i'm not sure i can. 3. my sister and brother-in-law(the ones i live with) are being their fantastic selves right now. oh by the way, that was my sarcastic voice. i thank them for everything they've done for me because they never had to do any of it. but still, i see patterns in their lives that have come to remind me of my parents and it makes me nervous. all i can do is wait and see. my opinion usually isnt very highly valued among my older sisters(so it seems to me) so i dont really know how to say anything without sound like the annoying little sister. or is it even my place to say anything? i dont know.

then, as always there are a hundred tiny things here and there. but i have some comfort, when things like this happen i always come out the other stronger. usually with at least a few cuts a bruises but stronger. it always works out in the end. two of my favorite quotes for situations like this:
' in the end things are always better. things arent better yet? then its not the end.' - i think some facebook bumper sticker quote i saw once
'things always work themselves out in the end.' 'how?' 'i dont know, its a mystery.' - dialogue from the movie Shakespeare in Love

a couple cool things today-i got to watch my nephew for a couple hours. he is amazing!
my la friend sent me and awesome pic of the beach.
a childhood friend of mine is having a baby shower today.(sorry i couldnt come hun. believe me i wish the wasnt all happening so i could be there instead.) her baby girl is healthy so far despite some early scares and i want to send a blessing to her and family. i love you girl, you're in my prayers.

i do this whole blog thing to get my feelings out because its hard for me to talk out loud most of the time. so i thank you journal for being here to listen to me.

my final words are a prayer. Father please wrap in your arms tonight. let me sleep soundly. may i wake tomorrow ready to face all that life has in store. may i make you proud. please give me the strength to be your disciple and your love for your people. thank you for all you have given me.

all for now
-erl