Thursday, February 25, 2010

christmas survival

All right so counteract all my emo-ness from the previous post i wanted to share with all of you my story from Christmas break.

the day after the fight with my parents(check out the previous post) i left their house and made my way back up to my tiny university. however there was still two weeks left of break. and i realized i had no where to go. now yes, i could have stayed at my sisters house(she lives in the same town as my school), but she just had a kid. at this time we were still waiting for my nephew to come into the world and if any of you have tried preparing the house for a kid, you know that mom goes through this thing call nesting. my sister had the house in pieces getting the nursery ready(we have a really small house.) the only place i could sleep was the couch and that had been moved into the computer room. there was literally no place for me to be without being in the way. so i decided to move back into my apartment at school.

now my university closes the campus during Christmas breaks and the students are not allowed in the housing while campus is closed. so yes, i was breaking the rules. i'm going to apologize now to my RA and RD. i'm sorry.

well now that i'm moved back into what has become home and all comfy i realize i'm kinda hungry. but i wasnt planning on being on my own the last two weeks. i hadnt worked so i had no money and even though i had already arranged for some hours at my job i wasnt going to get paid until the week school started back up. i literally had NO money and i had NO food in the apartment. actually i take that back. i had a jar of jelly. mmmm jelly.

i ran over to my sister's house because i remembered she had a numerous amount of pizza rolls in her freezer. see, my sister is a research chemist for a food oil company. at her job she works with a lot of different food companies testing oils and other things i honestly dont understand. she often gets to bring some of her work home. we've had pie crusts, onion rings, oreos, all kinds of stuff. last months work: pizza rolls. so i snagged a few bags of pizza rolls and proceeded to eat 10 pizza rolls a day for the next two weeks. good thing i like pizza rolls.

the second to last night i was getting tired of my tasty pockets of fake italian. so i rummaged around what food my roommates had in the pantry. i found a bag of pretzels that was nothing more than crumbs. i mixed those crumbs with the jelly i had in the fridge and had the most wonderful dinner of all time.

after those two weeks the food service at school tasted soooooo good.

that all for tonight. sweet dreams everyone
So the past few days have been pretty great. i'm really loving life right now. i just want to say, i have some freak'n awesome friends. i love my roommates. they think i'm hilarious (for some reason) and laugh at my really lame jokes. my nursing friends always make me fell like i really am worth loving. further more, i caught up with two great friends yesterday and talking to them made my day, no my week, all bright and shiny! i've really needed this support the past few months. so thank you.

all emo-ness may seem like its coming from left field but let me take you back through the past few months.

last november i began thinking about taking a semester off of nursing school, therefore adding a semester onto my college experience. My grades were such that there was a possibility that i may not have been able to continue on through the program. it all depended on certain grades on certain tests in certain classes. every test would seemingly change my future. i was so tired of one week feeling on top of the world because i got a strong B; then the next feeling miserable because i got a C. i was so close to the edge that each grade would put me hundredths of a point above or below the required GPA. i was sick of the roller coaster so i made the decision to just take the next semester off regardless of grades.

i talked my decision over with my classmates and roommates and a couple of my profs. i recognized i was on my to a complete burn out. i was really getting jaded when it came to school. i was afraid of continuing with my last semester would result in me learning nothing about nursing and just becoming bitter instead.

Making this decision was hard, but once it was made a weight lifted off my shoulders.

The hardest part was yet to come thought... i had to talk to my parents. so, over thanksgiving to them and every thing seemed ok. we made a plan and all was good in the world.

i finish the semester and it turned out i passed all my classes AND my gpa was good enough to keep going. but i stuck with my decision to take an extra semester.

over Christmas break i began to relax from my INSANE semester. However, one night during dinner my mother quit eating, looked at at me, and started in. I'm going to cut it short and just say that she wanted me to not take the extra semester. other things that made me feel quite worthless by the time she was done were said as well. After my mother said her piece my father takes a breath, nods his head, and in a strong, confident, but quite voice says 'i agree'

To be honest my first reaction was anger. they just couldnt understand how hard i was working, how hard it was for me to make this decision in the first place. i was doing this for my health and they didnt seem to care. but i had made my decision and again, to be honest, i didnt need their approval, i needed their SUPPORT. (after i heard 'i agree', i looked at my parents and little sister, who happened to be watching the whole interchange, and said 'mom, dad i love you but i'm leaving tomorrow.' keep in mind there are still two weeks left in break. for the rest of that story check out the next post. i promise it's good one.)

Now not only do i have some feelings of inadequacy because i'm taking an extra semester, my parents are confirming that i am indeed a disappointment and failure.

Im gonna let you know something that most people dont know about me. i had some self loathing issues growing up. i always found it surprising that anyone could even want to love me. i've gotten as i've grown up because of God's love and help from others. but from time to time i find doubts begin to fill my head. at times i will begin to wonder if i'm vested in a relationships as much as i should be. do i think i'm really good friends with someone or am i actually really weird and they just put up with me to be nice? or do i think that i'm really awesome when, in fact, the people in my life cant stand me? now i know these things arent true and they dont plague me as much as they once did. my relationship with God has healed my mind and soul. i know Jesus loves me. and if i believe Jesus is the end all then thats all that should matter. thought the years, as my love for Jesus has grown so has my love for myself.

However, between the mental beating i take from my parents, both my grandparents passing away during break, and trying to convince myself i am indeed doing the right, all the growth and development wasnt doing much to help me out.

I didnt realize until a couple days ago that i was unhappy with myself. i'm usually a very happy and optimistic person. i mean i love life. but the last few months i've been walking through a haze. i havnt felt truly happy for the past few months. i took this semester off to take a break from nursing school and to have a chance to enjoy the other parts of my life. i've been trying new things that i thought would make my life better. now that i have all this time i can do whatever i want. i can be a better person. instead i've found my self going through the motions and not actually enjoying anything. i've been striving for something to make me happy and it hasnt worked because its of this world, not of my God. i've found my self in a dark place in my mind that i havnt been to in along time.

i've decided i'm not going to stay here. i cant, i wont stay here. i'm holding onto teh love of my Savior, my friends, my family, and myself. i'm going to continue to find joy in the small things life has to offer, like taking walks with my ipod and picking dandelions (now if i can just find some dandelions lol). The shiny things of this world will not win me over. i've lost track of what is really important the last few months but i'm back.

I thanks those of you who have helped me through this. even though none of you have any idea what you've done.

and most importantly i praise God for always knocking. for speaking to me even when i've quit listening. and i weep when i see those footprints and realise i've in his arms the whole time.

thats all for now

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Things I Love

There are many things i love. things that when i think about them they bring a smile to my face. i thought i would share them with you.

the first thing i think of is Jesus and His love for me. i dont deserve it. not even a little. i mess up and there He is, waiting for me to jump into his arms. it doesnt make sense but He is my rock, my anchor to sanity and saves me from myself time after time.

my roommate and best friend, KJW. if God didnt put her in my life the way He did, i would not be anywhere near where i am today. i have had great joy spending these past four years with her and will miss her an indescribable amount next semester.

My sisters who i love so much it hurts. as a i grow older i realize how true it is when people say that no matter what you'll always have your family.

my other fam. they've done more for me than i could have ever asked

my nursing family. they bring so much joy to my heart every time i see them. we have a bond thats indescribable and i will miss the ones that are moving on next semester.

my other roommates who have made my life that much easier just by being chill. im grateful for the friendships that we've come to develop.

music is said to tame the wild beast. whether im in my darkest hour or at the top of the world, music speaks to me in a way neither poetry nor literature nor art has ever come close to doing. i love getting lost, driving with my ipod on shuffle and the volume at 11.

mtdew, b-dubs, pie, ruby tuesdays, mashed potatoes, pizza, brussel sprouts, red lobster, jello, taco bell

i love staying up late and sleeping in. but i also love sunrises when i get to see them.

dogs AND cats

solving for 'x'. solving a difficult algebra equation makes me feel like i accomplished something. makes me feel smart for a little bit. and, oddly, makes me feel connected to those great men and women before us who have broadened our knowledge and understanding of the world though science. (weird, i know)

the sun while it warms cool skin after spending all day at the pool or water park.

when it finally reaches forty degrees after a cold winter and i feel like its warm enough to wear sandals again.

wearing sandals and going bare foot.

quoting movies while i watch them for the fiftieth time.

my favorite t-shirt. it was my soccer uniform when i was five. i still wear to this day at the age of 21. needless to say its falling apart and i'm sure my friends would love to throw it away.

driving really fast

taking pictures, even though i think i'm the worst photographer i've ever met.

good tv. my favorite tv to watch: x-files, stargate, glee, farscape, the office. most anything scifi really or that makes me laugh really. i tend to get really emotionally vested in the characters in the shows i like. it kinda a problem sometimes ;)

making people happy makes me happy. like when things get stuck in the vending machine and i'm the one people look for to get them out. it makes me so happy to help people even in the smallest ways.

video games that have good story lines.

working out and that exhausted feeling you get afterward.


Well that was fun. if i think of more i'll be sure to include them
but seriously think of the small things in life that make you happy. the small things are what make life worth living. take time to show those in your life how much you love them. you never know how much time you have so enjoy it to the fullest.
hope everyone has a great night.

all for now

Friday, February 19, 2010

today feb 19

all in all today was good.
i got to eat at b-dubs, my favorite restaurant, for lunch. and i came home with leftovers.
i hung out with my newborn nephew and my sister(and even through all my protests i've still been christened 'auntie em'. though, i think i'm getting used to it). i also got to introduce my nephew to my profs and friends in the nursing department. that was good times.
i learned about oxygenation in medsurg and guess what, if you dont breath you will die. there's some nursing wisdom for you!!
i've started thinking about maybe becoming a nurse educator. i dont know for sure yet. but i cant seem to get away from the idea.
i came home from classes with every intention of doing taebo but my roommate was watching the series finale of gilmore girls. so, naturally, i had to sit down and watch it with her.
for dinner a few of my girl friends and i went to denny's. there was laughing and cry(because of the laughing) and some more laughing. i had a great time. it so great when i get to just hangout with others and not talk about school or anything serious. i mean i like those things too, but i had a wicked great time. i also got to meet a new friend tonight. i usually get nervous when i meet new people and this time was no different but she was really cool. i look forward to getting to know you more oklahoma.
last but not least i played halo with the only chick that will ever play with me. we kicked some alien butt and know it's time for bed.

good night to all. may God lead and bless you in everything you do.

all for now

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

how i lost a subway sandwich

Ok so, its been like, FOREVER since i've done anything on here. i know, i know. please forgive me. I am going to try and take time to do some more, i promise. i've found i kinda like the whole writing out how i feel thing. right now my social work roommate is clapping her hands and saying that everyone would also benefit from counseling as well... anyway i digress.
i have one awesome story. this one hasnt really been named yet, but i think i'll start calling it the 'when i lot my subway sandwich' story. that sounds....lame, but memorable.

This last weekend was winter break for my tiny university so a few of my nursing major friends and i decide to go to a friends house. good times are had by all. but thats not teh point of this story.

driving home, we hit a small snow storm and have a few near misses with truckers who think they are auditioning for that one ice truckers show. all in all the drive is nerve racking but fun. (how often do you get to drive a giant four wheel drive suburban the size of a bus?) however, still not the point of this story.

on our way home we stop at subway. i purchase a tasty foot long italian BMT on monterrey cheddar bread. we sit down and enjoy our dinner, then get back on the road. i saved half of my sandwich so i can further enjoy it for dinner the next day. my companions and i (finally) get home and i put my sandwich in the fridge to keep it subway fresh.
That next day turns out to be kinda long and a little stressful. all day i look forward to getting home and devouring my delightful italian BMT.
I dont get home until after 9 that night. i shed my winter clothes, put my book bag down, get comfy for the night, open my refrigerator in anticipation sandwich is gone. I look on every shelf, in every drawer. no sandwich. i close the door, wait a couple seconds, take a breath, and open the door again, still no sandwich.
I ask my roommates 'did you see a sandwich is the fridge today?' none of them had any idea what i was talking about. however one started going on and on about how things seemed to be moved around and her cheese was put on the wrong shelf. to be honest i quit listening to her and tuned her out after that.
Alright, so i know sandwiches dont just get up and walk away. I think about it awhile, retrace my steps from the night before. I know for a fact i put it the fridge before i unpacked my suitcase. i take a look in the freezer and pantry just to be sure. nope, no sandwich. ok if didnt put this god forsaken sub in the fridge then it must be somewhere else no rotting in my apartment. so i look, and the damn thing is no where to be found.
I finally give up my search. i go to throw away some random peice of trash i found and there in my kitchen trash is the wrapper that my lovely italian BMT subway sandwich came in. I dont remember eating the tasty sub so either my roommates lied and ate my sandwich or i ate it while sleep walking. most people would say the former is proly the more logical explanation. but, if you know me, you know nothing in my life is ever that easy.
see, as a kid i would be found in all kinds of places and have no memory of how i got there. (wake up on teh couch or walking outside in the yard kind of stuff) i grew out of it eventually. since i was sixteen i've only (that i know of) gone sleep walking a couple times. once in high school and once my freshmen year of college.
then why do i think i ate my wonderful(now cursed) sandwich in my sleep? well, 1. my roommates had no idea what i was talking about when i asked them about the sandwich, 2. the contents of the fridge had indeed been rearranged and no one know anything about it, 3. the wrapper was in the trash and not surrounding the the sandwich, and 4. my history of night time wondering.
I dont know if it was really me, but the evidence seems to point to unconscious night time snacking. also its better than the idea that there is a hidden sandwich rotting somewhere in my apartment.

so that is the story of me (proly) stealing my own sandwich.