Thursday, February 25, 2010

So the past few days have been pretty great. i'm really loving life right now. i just want to say, i have some freak'n awesome friends. i love my roommates. they think i'm hilarious (for some reason) and laugh at my really lame jokes. my nursing friends always make me fell like i really am worth loving. further more, i caught up with two great friends yesterday and talking to them made my day, no my week, all bright and shiny! i've really needed this support the past few months. so thank you.

all emo-ness may seem like its coming from left field but let me take you back through the past few months.

last november i began thinking about taking a semester off of nursing school, therefore adding a semester onto my college experience. My grades were such that there was a possibility that i may not have been able to continue on through the program. it all depended on certain grades on certain tests in certain classes. every test would seemingly change my future. i was so tired of one week feeling on top of the world because i got a strong B; then the next feeling miserable because i got a C. i was so close to the edge that each grade would put me hundredths of a point above or below the required GPA. i was sick of the roller coaster so i made the decision to just take the next semester off regardless of grades.

i talked my decision over with my classmates and roommates and a couple of my profs. i recognized i was on my to a complete burn out. i was really getting jaded when it came to school. i was afraid of continuing with my last semester would result in me learning nothing about nursing and just becoming bitter instead.

Making this decision was hard, but once it was made a weight lifted off my shoulders.

The hardest part was yet to come thought... i had to talk to my parents. so, over thanksgiving to them and every thing seemed ok. we made a plan and all was good in the world.

i finish the semester and it turned out i passed all my classes AND my gpa was good enough to keep going. but i stuck with my decision to take an extra semester.

over Christmas break i began to relax from my INSANE semester. However, one night during dinner my mother quit eating, looked at at me, and started in. I'm going to cut it short and just say that she wanted me to not take the extra semester. other things that made me feel quite worthless by the time she was done were said as well. After my mother said her piece my father takes a breath, nods his head, and in a strong, confident, but quite voice says 'i agree'

To be honest my first reaction was anger. they just couldnt understand how hard i was working, how hard it was for me to make this decision in the first place. i was doing this for my health and they didnt seem to care. but i had made my decision and again, to be honest, i didnt need their approval, i needed their SUPPORT. (after i heard 'i agree', i looked at my parents and little sister, who happened to be watching the whole interchange, and said 'mom, dad i love you but i'm leaving tomorrow.' keep in mind there are still two weeks left in break. for the rest of that story check out the next post. i promise it's good one.)

Now not only do i have some feelings of inadequacy because i'm taking an extra semester, my parents are confirming that i am indeed a disappointment and failure.

Im gonna let you know something that most people dont know about me. i had some self loathing issues growing up. i always found it surprising that anyone could even want to love me. i've gotten as i've grown up because of God's love and help from others. but from time to time i find doubts begin to fill my head. at times i will begin to wonder if i'm vested in a relationships as much as i should be. do i think i'm really good friends with someone or am i actually really weird and they just put up with me to be nice? or do i think that i'm really awesome when, in fact, the people in my life cant stand me? now i know these things arent true and they dont plague me as much as they once did. my relationship with God has healed my mind and soul. i know Jesus loves me. and if i believe Jesus is the end all then thats all that should matter. thought the years, as my love for Jesus has grown so has my love for myself.

However, between the mental beating i take from my parents, both my grandparents passing away during break, and trying to convince myself i am indeed doing the right, all the growth and development wasnt doing much to help me out.

I didnt realize until a couple days ago that i was unhappy with myself. i'm usually a very happy and optimistic person. i mean i love life. but the last few months i've been walking through a haze. i havnt felt truly happy for the past few months. i took this semester off to take a break from nursing school and to have a chance to enjoy the other parts of my life. i've been trying new things that i thought would make my life better. now that i have all this time i can do whatever i want. i can be a better person. instead i've found my self going through the motions and not actually enjoying anything. i've been striving for something to make me happy and it hasnt worked because its of this world, not of my God. i've found my self in a dark place in my mind that i havnt been to in along time.

i've decided i'm not going to stay here. i cant, i wont stay here. i'm holding onto teh love of my Savior, my friends, my family, and myself. i'm going to continue to find joy in the small things life has to offer, like taking walks with my ipod and picking dandelions (now if i can just find some dandelions lol). The shiny things of this world will not win me over. i've lost track of what is really important the last few months but i'm back.

I thanks those of you who have helped me through this. even though none of you have any idea what you've done.

and most importantly i praise God for always knocking. for speaking to me even when i've quit listening. and i weep when i see those footprints and realise i've in his arms the whole time.

thats all for now

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